I will finally be enough – I think I shocked myself with my own raw emotion as I wrote the last line of my journal. How long had it been since I was honest with myself about my own insecurity? [Here’s a hint… A while.] […]
It’s been a hard summer. God’s been working on a lot the past 8 weeks. And there are 5 more to go. That’s the scary part. I think the first 8 were just a warm up. Lots of changes. Lots of unexpected. Lots of I don’t know what the blank I’m doing anymore. Lots of I need people. And most importantly, lots of I need God.
I don’t really have much to say except scripture is where it is at. My dear friend, Sherri, has been sending me verses from all over the Word, and at the most random times, but they some how just seem to fit. Also people have been praying for me. And it has just recently been brought to my attention that people do this frequently. And I don’t know why but until this summer I didn’t think people did that for me. I just thought “I’ll be praying for you,” was the Southern version of “Wow, your life sucks.” Because a lot of the time, people say they will pray over you, but they don’t actually do it. You know? So when I found out from various people that they or others have been praying over me, it just kind of shocked me. I am humbled and I thank you if you are one of those people. Seriously. I can feel that you’re doing it. God has been whispering, “You aren’t alone.” There’s a lot going on, but the only thing left to say is I want you to read Isaiah 43. I’ll put pieces of it here and I encourage you to read it slowly. Just soak it in. I cry when I read it. Every time. It’s just where my heart is at this summer.
All enfaces are added by me.
“But now, this is what the LORD says- he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: ‘ Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight and because I love you,'” (vs. 1-4)
“Do not be afraid, for I am with you;” (vs. 5)
“Everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.” (vs. 7)
“I, even I, am the LORD, and apart from me there is no savior.” (vs. 11)
“I am the LORD, your Holy One, Israel’s Creator, your King.” (vs. 15)
Over the past several years I have come to realize that God creates within us divine instances of vulnerability for His purpose. A Divine Instance of Vulnerability is when a person is so consumed with the mightiness of God in a mere second of ultimate realness that they are quite literally overwhelmed. The only way such an instance can occur is by the person practically getting taken by surprise by the Lord Himself. You see, you cannot prepare your heart for such an instance. It just happens. You are taken aback in awe of the Mighty One, because He is loving enough to desire such a closeness with you that He will demand it from your very being. In the end, the LORD sought out your heart and purposefully grabbed hold of its nakedness at the perfect moment to influence your life and your relationship with Him exactly as He has intended it to be from the very beginning of time.
– Sarah (:
It is 3:08 in the morning as I write this. An inner battle just took place in my mind. A spiritual battle is what I am referring to.
The Evil One is good at his job and he comes in all shapes and sizes. Clever. I will at least give him that. He is very clever.
As the inner turmoil is just beginning the Holy Spirit inside of me is quick to differentiate between my thoughts, the Spirit’s thoughts, and the Evil One’s thoughts. The conversation within me continues as I am merely a spectator now. Minutes go by while the Geology pages turn. As I am about to turn the page I realize that my eyes passed over the words but they were not read. My mind was else where. I will even admit to having highlighted and starred and added notations to where my subconscious thought my conscious would place them if it were present. I decide to wait until the conversation in my head was over before I continue with homework. There really isn’t much point. Once the three of us get started it’s hard to stop us until a decision is made.
For you see, the Deceiver is getting stronger. I can tell that as his lies are whispered they some how seem to continue to make the truth sound softer. Soon enough they sound roughly about the same volume. My own mind joins in. Reminding the two gentleman in the room that I am still there. This was a big mistake. Now the Deceiver can focus on me instead of continuing to argue with the Almighty. I should have let Him handle it. As he talks I can hear the soft echo, “that’s not true.” “are you really going to believe that?” I know that what he is saying is wrong. My conscious is FULLY aware that lies are being spoken to me, but for some unexplainable and irrational reason I still desire to listen to his treachory. As my decision was made and my walls went up, pushing the Holy One away. I knew I had lost this round. And as soon as the battle was over. The Liar retreated. Leaving me standing in the middle of the room. Without him to defend me as I faced the judgement. He had left me alone and hurt. Facing the reality of what I am. Flesh.