I will finally be enough – I think I shocked myself with my own raw emotion as I wrote the last line of my journal. How long had it been since I was honest with myself about my own insecurity? [Here’s a hint… A while.] […]
First things first, I don’t have a political agenda. So please read my words and hear my heart. Because my heart hurts for a lot of reasons. Thanksgiving is usually one of my favorite times of the year. I love being around family and I love watching ordinary people stop and appreciate their ordinary lives. There is just something magical about it! But this year things were different. It’s not that I wasn’t grateful or that my family wasn’t as wonderful as always or that my 3rd pumpkin pie wasn’t as delicious as the first. (Let me emphasize that yes I meant pie not piece of pie… #noshame). But this week I remembered the world was broken and ever since I haven’t stopped mourning it.
While news anchors across the country have spent the past several weeks discussing the death of Michael Brown and the intent behind Officer Darren Wilson’s bullets, the rest of the world has somehow lost focus on the rest of the world. Now I am just a 21 year old girl who doesn’t pick up the newspaper until planes hit buildings or politicians run for office. I also don’t turn on the local news unless I might see a friend on the TV. So let’s all take a DEEP BREATH and remember I’m a southern girl with a big heart who has no intention of upsetting anyone with my opinion. But this is not the only injustice of the world that deserves our attention. IN FACT I think it is about time we allow Mrs. Brown to mourn her son in peace. And it’s time we let Mrs. Wilson rest well instead of worrying about her life, her husband’s life, or her future baby’s life. Let’s talk about other injustices.
You drank clean water today. Over 1 billion people do not have access to clean water. (tivawater.com) And while they can’t seem to access clean water and are dying from it about every few seconds, I personally took a 15 minute shower today. And when the water got cold I had the nerve to complain about it.
You wore clean clothes today. You probably used your clean water in the past week (ok, ok… you got me… two weeks) and washed your name brand clothing. The shirt on your back cost a minimum of $5. Unless you bought it at goodwill. Which you probably only did out of a fad, not out of need. And then you maybe even wore a rain jacket or wind breaker to protect yourself from this winter weather. You have at least two pairs of shoes in your closet. I want to punch myself in the face, because I went Black Friday shopping and bought three pairs of shoes and shampoo that cost me $20 a bottle.
You ate food today. “There [is] an estimated 868 million people who are undernourished and more than 100 million children under age five who are undernourished and underweight.” – bread.org This is a reality that hit home for me. I call my parents crying because I am eating Ramen or Campbell’s soup again… Again. Fist to Face.
You aren’t an indentured servant or sex slave. Besides the gospel this is probably what I am most passionate about. That there are over 27 million slaves in the world. (enditmovement.com) Which is the most in HISTORY people!! And yet I can’t seem to get 27 college students to stand with me on the pedestrian walk to represent one million slaves each. But SOMEHOW people are willing to shut down Cumberland Ave for almost two hours today in protest over the Ferguson case… (again please hear my frustration towards the lack of attention to the rest of the world, not towards the attention Mr. Brown or Mr. Wilson have received.)
I could keep going. I could talk about the home you went into, the bed you slept in, the medicine you consumed, and more. But I won’t. Instead I would just urge you to remember that injustices aren’t always loud, but they are definitely prevalent. That the “inhumanity” exists just as much in the face in the mirror as it does the face on the front page.
Now, that is a pretty bold statement. Maybe you’re even thinking, “my life doesn’t suck right now.” And if it doesn’t I’m happy for you! But if it does, if you’re in that moment between ‘can’t’ and ‘even.’ Know that you aren’t alone. Because Homegirl […]
At the beginning of February I moved into a one-bedroom apartment right downtown. I live alone. Well, actually I don’t live alone. I live with Lucy, my Chesapeake Bay Retriever. Here she is snuggling with me on Saturday morning. But besides Lucy it is just […]
Shoot Shoot Shoot Shoot Shoot! [I’m going to be really honest. This wasn’t the word I yelled about 45 minutes ago, but let’s all just roll with it.]
The past three weeks have been about all I can handle emotionally, physically, mentally, psychologically, or whatever other fancy term you want to throw up there. The past three weeks have been freaking terrible. I’m tired. I’m emotionally drained. And my spirit just doesn’t feel like it can take anything else right now. The nannying life has been great. It’s just “everything else” that I am dealing with.
So why does it still surprise me that late at night, when I am all alone, and I just feel straight up defeated, Satan began to creep into my thoughts? He began knocking on the protective walls of my mind and it was like the soldiers had all fallen asleep. My protectors of my fortress were so quickly taken by surprise. I will give them credit they have been fighting hard the past couple of weeks. But that’s exactly how a battle is won. Isn’t it? The enemy beats you and beats you and beats you down until you can’t take it anymore and then they come in for the final blow. The Enemy doesn’t sit back and say “Oh wait guys, she looks really really tired, she needs a break. Let’s pack up and come back tomorrow.” NO!! The Deceiver, like any good attacker, does the opposite. He keeps hounding and pounding and pushing and pulling until your mind cannot take it any longer. Then he takes a deep breath, pulls back for momentum and thrusts himself forward for the final blow.
Yesterday evening was bad too. But I had had enough to strength to pray for protection. I had called out the name of Jesus, my protector, the lover of my soul, the Almighty One. That He would stand for me when I no longer could. That he would place armies of angels around me in order to get me through the night. And Praise the Holy One. The One Who’s Reign Shall Never End, He did!! What a mercy. What a blessing. How GOOD my God is to me. But then again tonight Satan came crawling back, the way he is used to doing. He strikes like a snake at my mental process. Derailing my train of thought before it can get to Jesus. As he strikes again my mental strongholds failed. I truly watched them give up. It was like my mind said “We just can’t Sarah, you’re too tired for this today.” And the wall came crumbling down. It had been such a long battle. But again I failed. And once the fight is over Satan doesn’t help you clean up the mess. He doesn’t comfort like Emet Elohim Emet does. He doesn’t heal like Yahweh Rophey does. He doesn’t help and fix like Adonai does. He leaves.
After the disaster of the night. The broken child that I am remains. Nothing else. No one else. Just the mess that I was, am, and will be. But there is hope, because unlike the Evil One. My Beloved helps the broken.
Taped to my closet door is Matthew 11: 28-30, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
So tomorrow I will begin again. With renewed hope. Attempting to take on another day in this dark dark world. With the purpose of shining a light so someone else can have this hope that I have. This joy that heals. This love that claims you and makes you whole.
Over the past several years I have come to realize that God creates within us divine instances of vulnerability for His purpose. A Divine Instance of Vulnerability is when a person is so consumed with the mightiness of God in a mere second of ultimate […]